I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
