I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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