did you get engaged???
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize