I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
