whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
