The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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