I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
