hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
