last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
