Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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