I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
