Welp...herpes.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
