I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
