she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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