mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
