So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
