I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
