He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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