If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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