I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
