just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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