Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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