I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
