He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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