After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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