oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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