He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
