So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
