You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
