is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
