maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
