as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
