I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
that may or may not have been my penis.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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