my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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