Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
