R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize