he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize