remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
