i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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