yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
