On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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