Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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