The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize