I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize