I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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