I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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