someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
