My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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