You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
