You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
