You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
