He is such a slut. More and more my type.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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