Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
